Tufts of Fur

When I pick at the tufts of fur that are embedded in my clothes

I used to think of them like scabs from a cut; a necessary evil of having dogs.

They used to be everywhere, and much like scabs I would sit at my desk and pick at them

One by one, mumbling curses at each of them as they were plucked.

But now, when I find them, I’m filled with a pregnant pause, as they are now dwindling in size.

The sight of one floods my mind with a thousand questions, those of which I know the answer

Of which each one torments me at night:

Do you think of me as much as I think of you?

Do you cry yourselves to sleep, clinging on to what remains of my scent?

Or are you free from this plague that I am cursed to carry, an overbearing weight of remorse.

Can you hear me in the winds as I whisper declarations of love to your photos

The thousands that have invaded my phone screen of every place we’ve ever been and every thing we have ever done.

Now each tuft isn’t discarded, but kept in a bag near to me and near my heart

As little postcards of how much you two loved me.

Every time I think of those wonderful memories of the chorus of howls, the bath of slobbery kisses, or the gentle ‘boof’ as you politely asked for treats 

Fills me with the remorse that now it’s all in past tense,

That one day I was no longer there, and every night I wake now with tears gushing

That I promised you our lives together, but the circumstances were stacked against me,

And if I stayed it would have meant my death, like what’s happening to others back home.

I don’t believe in heaven, nor do I deserve one, but when it’s my time to go and I pass on by

I hope I can stop to see you on that Rainbow Bridge, where we can make up for lost time

With cuddles and kisses, hugs and walks and conversations where you bark and I will talk

We don’t understand each other’s words, but we know the message is love

And we’ll talk about how much we missed each other.

I hate that I broke this promise, but god dammit I tried my best,

But I’m serving the punishment of a crime I didn’t commit,

Delivered by those that don’t want to understand me and only hate

My existence, but now you have to suffer too 

Of this sentence lasting your lifetimes, and probably mine, too.

So now, as I hold your tufts, and I weep at each thought 

How much I love you and how much it hurts

That I’m so glad for the lifetime of memories we had

In just these short years as I whisper back to the moon to give you one last message.

“Babies, Mommy will always love you”. I know you can’t hear it, but I pretend you do.